SKIN THAT CAT!!!

This is a list of phrases cat owners should get their naughty pets to write on a blackboard a la Bart Simpson. If you could get them to write... Send more suggestions to me, Adam S. Ward. Rest assured that no cats were actually skinned for the making of this web page.

---Annoying/Embarrassing Habits---

1. A new flea collar is not an excuse for a six-hour sulk. If my Mommy thinks that neon purple is my colour, I should wear it proudly, even though Daddy always gets me electric blue.
2. I *can* sit still while Mommy tries to takes photographs of me to show off to her friends, instead of running away and becoming merely a blur on the negative. ("He really *is* a cute cat, you know...you just have to get him to hold still...")
3. I am NOT required to shred the newspaper to save Mommy from it.
4. I do not automatically *have* to be on the other side of a closed door. Particularly if I was just *there.*
5. I do not have to sleep in the middle of the bed. The corners are just as comfy.
6. I realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at any opportunity.
7. I will not act if I'm being murdered during a flea bath.
8. I will not attempt to crawl into the salad bowl on the kitchen table while Mommy is entertaining dinner guests (especially Mommy's musician friends whom she is desperately trying to impress!).
9. I will not bat loose change, glasses, alarm clocks, etc from on top of the head board onto my human's head to get him to wake up.
10. I will not censor Dad's reading material by batting away the book while he tries to read.
11. I will not crawl into the dishwasher when it is full of clean dishes.
12. I will not drag dirty socks out of the laundry basket and bury them in the litter box.
13. I will not drool happily when I am being petted, then climb into my human's lap and shake my head.
14. I will not drool on Mommy's friends.
15. I will not drop my catnip mouse in Mommy's mouth when she's snoring.
16. I will not expect to be let out on the terrace without wearing my harness, even though I don't like it, since we live on the 7th floor. Besides, Mommy doesn't think it's funny when I sneak under the partition to the terrace next door and ignore her when she calls me to come back.
17. I will not get on the roof, meow frantically, then claw my human as he tries to rescue me with a ladder.
18. I will not groom my private parts in front of company.
19. I will not hide in very dark places when a thunderstorm threatens (Mommy might be upset when she can't find me).
20. I will not hook a claw into Mommy's nostril to wake her up on weekends.
21. I will not howl loudly in the bathroom until someone comes up and flushes the toilet for me to watch, especially when everyone is downstairs.
22. I will not insist on sitting in the lap of and being petted by Mommy's mother-in-law who is allergic to cats.
23. I will not jump into the chair just as the human is sitting down and screech when he sits on me.
24. I will not jump into the lap of Mommy's visitors and then turn my back to them, with tail extended up and waving, in order to give them a good (close) view of my freshly cleaned private parts.
25. I will not jump off the top of the cat tree onto the bed and/or its occupants.
26. I will not jump up on the bed the morning after a hot summer night, and gleefully lick the bedsheets where Dad was sweating all night.
27. I will not lick all the glue off of all of the envelopes I can find.
28. I will not lick my human's armpits while she is sleeping.
29. I will not lick the blinds.
30. I will not lick the washing machine.
31. I will not lie between Mom's legs with my nose to her crotch when she is on her period and asleep and sniff/lick/bite her.
32. I will not listen for sound of the door opening and, when it does not click completely shut, pry it open with one of my strong claws and run outside, leaving the door wide open. Especially if the humans have just left the house for several hours.
33. I will not lock myself into the bathroom, especially when it is on the second floor and my people have to call the fire department, which arrives with sirens and lights, even though my people have told them that there is no fire, just a cat.
34. I will not make my human chase me bare foot outside when it is dead of winter and she has a cold. Then when she can't catch me and goes inside I will not show up at the kitchen window five minutes later screaming to be let in because MY feet are freezing.
35. I will not push the inside bolt over on my Mom's 2nd storey apartment's only door while she's gone. The neighbours do not like having to climb a ladder into the bedroom window.
36. I will not put muddy paw prints on the sliding glass patio door, especially after it has just been cleaned.
37. I will not race out of the bedroom door at light speed in the morning, causing my human to bump my food dish and her hot tea together (ew!).
38. I will not run for the door when the pizza delivery person arrives -- or when anyone arrives or leaves. The humans do not appreciate having to chase me.
39. I will not run through the house with a condom wrapper in my mouth, especially when Mom's grandmother is over.
40. I will not scream obscenities at Mommy when she tries to bathe me.
41. I will not sit in Mommy's lap and cry relentlessly until she lets me suck on her fingers. (This is a kitten)
42. I will not sit on the end of the bed staring at Daddy while he and Mummy are making whoopee. I will not become upset if Daddy then throws a duvet over me in order to get some privacy. (Mummy shouldn't get the giggles every time, either! Daddy is sensitive.)
43. I will not stand with my tail in the doorway for five minutes while I decide if I REALLY want to go out or in. Once out/in, I will not yowl 90 seconds later to reverse direction.
44. I will not threaten to run out the door into the hall if someone opens the door to the room. (Several of my friends have kept illegal kittens in the dorm, and we've had a few runaway attempts).
45. I will not trip my human at 3:30 in the morning when she gets up to go to the bathroom, follow her back to her room, and 3 minutes after she gets back into bed demand to be let out because I have to go to the bathroom.
46. I will not use the computer keyboard as a launch pad to try to get to the unattainable ceramic wall clock.
47. I will not wait for Daddy at the top of stairs so that together we can descend to his office--off which is my litter box--and so I can leave a smelly one to reek up his work area and make him suffer.
48. I will not walk into the kitchen while my family is eating and commence to poop on the living room carpet. (My friend's cat did this exact thing twice.)
49. I will not yowl for hours on end to be let upstairs, then yowl to be let back down again the minute my human sits down.
50. If my human puts a paper grocery bag on the floor for me to play with, I will NOT pee on it when it gets stomped flat. (Raven had the gall to do this in front of me once)
51. It's not nice to walk on the back of the sofa behind Mommy's friends and lick their hair. They don't need grooming.
52. It is not necessary to have my Mommy experience "dynamic cat flow" when I want out/in and my kittie-roomie wants in/out.
53. It is not necessary to lie on my human's lap and knead his chest, no matter how much bliss it gives me, especially when he rubs my tummy.
54. Mommy does not like to get kitty kisses when she is trying to sleep. (Romeo will literally shove his nose into my mouth and start licking--YECCH!!)
55. People cannot see me on the floor when they are making the 3 a.m. bathroom run or have an armload of groceries.
56. The pieces of fabric covering the arms of the couch were NOT put there for me to play hide and seek with my Mommy's hands.
57. Trying to kill the crucifix at the end of the rosary is inappropriate and greatly offends some people.
58. When I do escape outside, I will not lead the people on a merry chase throughout the yard and then end up on the doorstep asking to be let in. (All of us but the cat were breathing hard!)
59. When I walk up to my human looking all cute like I want to be petted, I will not suddenly turn into a slinky cat and bow my back under her hand so she can't reach me.
60. When Mommy's having a party I will not burst into the room, dodge all the hands that are trying to pet me, jump into the lap of the one person who either hates me or is allergic to me and rub my cheek all along her face and arms.
61. When Mommy has her leg in a cast, I will not wait until she crawls upstairs, hauling her crutches behind her, and then cry at the front door. It takes her a long time to crawl back down to let me out. After she DOES let me out, it would be a good idea to stay there for at least 5 minutes. (I won't bother you with the details about how they weave in and out between my feet and the crutches when I'm trying to get to the bathroom.)
62. When my young humans are playing with modeling clay, it would be prefered if I did NOT remove solid waste from my litter tray, and roll it onto the kitchen floor. This makes Mummy very worried as she thinks it is clay, which would make me ill. Young humans are not very happy if they are told to pick up modeling clay and find out that it is old poop. This wastes soap.

b) ---Bathroom (Mis)Behaviour---

1. I do not need to shove my head between Mommy's legs to inspect every time she tries to use the toilet.
2. I must not ambush my brother when he's sitting on the edge of the full bathtub, causing him to fall into the water and lacerate the human's ribs in his panicked attempts to climb out.
3. I realize that the human is not trying to get away from me when she closes the bathroom door, so I won't open it [especially] when we have guests.
4. I will not "hide" Q-tips or any of the cat-toys in the toilet and try to get them out while it is being used.
5. I will not "sympathetic potty" every time Mommy is on the potty, or if I do, I will limit it to a whiz.
6. I will not blame Mommy when I fall in a tub full of water. She warns me and I just don't listen.
7. I will not blame the human if I slip and fall into the toilet while getting a drink. It is well known that 'blue' is my favourite flavor for water.
8. I will not carry a roll of toilet paper onto the living room rug and shred it beyond recognition because my humans went to a movie after work.
9. I will not climb into my Daddy's dropped pants/shorts/briefs while he is sitting on the toilet.
10. I will not commence biting my human's toes when she exits the shower.
11. I will not drink the bathwater while my human is taking a bath.
12. I will not drink the water in the toilet anymore because in my old age, I am becoming rather clumsy and have occasion to fall in!
13. I will not fall in the toilet watching the water swirl.
14. I will not hide behind the commode so that I can pat the human on the backside when he sits down just to make him levitate.
15. I will not hide in the bathtub behind the shower curtain and then slowly reach around and put my paw on my young human's shoulder.
16. I will NOT jump on Mom's back while she is on the toilet ill with "the big D".
17. I will not invite my friends in to drink out of the toilet. (This is a new trend in my house ... of course my cat is too much the princess to do anything so lowly as drinking out of the toilet. However, all the new cats she invites into our house aren't allowed near HER water, so she shows them the toilet. Nice manners.)
18. I will not jump into the bath tub when daddy is bathing and get a bath myself. (My kitten did this all the time to my husband ... probably why we are divorced now!)
19. I will not jump on the toilet seat just as my human is sitting down.
20. I will not lacerate the child's chest just because she wishes to give me a bath.
21. I will not lean WAY OVER to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of her fur.)
22. I will not lick the faucet to encourage my human to turn on the drinking water.
23. I will not lick then bite my Mommy's legs when she comes out of the shower.
24. I will not play "hockey" with a shampoo cap in the bathtub in the wee hours of the morning.
25. I will not play in the litter box, then jump into the guest bathroom sink and make it dirty.
26. I will not play in the toilet and get the seat wet so Mommy will yell at Daddy.
27. I will not run into a bathtub full of water (and a human) while doing laps through the house.
28. I will not sit in Mommy's pants/underwear when she is on the throne.
29. I will not sit in the puddles in the shower and lick up all the water after Mummy or Daddy has been in it, and then sit in Mummy's lap and show her how good I am at cleaning my butt.
30. I will not sit on the newspaper while Daddy reads it in the bathroom.
31. I will not spread the kitty litter in an even layer through out the bathroom. This annoys Mommy.
32. I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after Mom has finished watching The X-Files.
33. I will not stick my paws under the bathroom door when it is closed and snag anything I can reach, including the end of the roll of toilet paper and bare unsuspecting toes.
34. I will not stuff my favourite toy down the toilet and meow at Mommy when she flushes and water runs all over the bathroom.
35. I will not swim in the toilet/bathtub/dirty dish water.
36. I will not tag Mommy's leg as she steps in the shower to warn her that water is dangerous. (My Calico does this EVERY time we get in the shower or the bath.)
37. I will not take a dump in my box solely as an effort to stink my mothers out of the bathroom when they are trying to talk. They don't like that, and it will not get me the attention I am looking for.
38. I will not take the hockey puck (Mommy and Daddy call it the plug) out of the bathroom and hide it in the basement.
39. I will not unroll all the toilet paper off the roll.
40. I will not use Mommy's body as stepping stones when she is in the bathtub. If I do and I fall in, I will not rip her body to shreds in an attempt to escape the evil water.
41. I will not use the legs of wet humans, fresh out of the shower, to help me shed excess hair.
42. I will remember that I don't like water. I don't have to jump in the bath *every* time to jog my memory.
43. I won't be grumpy anymore when being moved from the toilet lid ... my favorite place to nap.
44. I won't play with my new rubber ball in the bathtub at 3 a.m.
45. If I don't drink out of the toilet, I will not fall in.
46. If I don't insist on staring down the toilet when Daddy is about to use it, I won't get peed in the neck. ("Removing the cat from the toilet" is now an integrated part of the procedure...)
47. If I get in the shower while it's running, I will get wet.
48. If I look before I leap, I will not fall into the unflushed toilet at 3 a.m., thus forcing my human to hold me under the bathtub faucet to rinse me. (My new kitten, Kal, did this less than 24 hours after his flea bath. Neither of us was impressed!)
49. If I jump on the toilet while Dad is standing in front of it, I will get wet in a most unpleasant manner.
50. It is not "pet me time" when a human is sitting on the throne.
51. It is not necessary to sample the toilet water after each flushing.
52. Mommy doesn't need me to sit/lie on her shoulders while she is on the potty.
53. My human does not need rescuing from the bath.
54. My human *can* go to the bathroom without my moral support.
55. Taking a bath is not dangerous for my human.
56. The toilet is not a good place from which to drink water.
57. The toilet paper does not exist so that I can shred it into little bits.
58. When Mom is taking a bubble bath, the two pinkish-brown things sticking up out of the bubbles in her chest region are NOT to be played with!

c) ---Bodily Functions---

1. Even if I think the litter box is in a less than pristine condition, I will not poop on my human's foot to express my displeasure.
2. I am not a jungle cat. I will not hide in my "den" the closet at 6 a.m., get shut in all day when my humans leave for work, relieve myself (both kinds!) all over daddy's ties that I have clawed down from their hanger, then never say a peep when my humans return from work, even tho' they are frantically running through the house calling my name repeatedly, so that they can open the closet door & step in the mess I made in their stocking feet, when they finally remember that I might be in here after all.
3. I do not need to use ALL the kitty litter to bury my poop.
4. I do not need to exit the bathroom at the speed of light when I have finished using the litter box.
5. I must not creep under the covers at night and do a whoopsie between Mom and Dad and make them think that each other has wet the bed and then sit there and watch the commotion.
6. I must not fart in front of Mummy's friends. Nobody ever believes it is the cat.
7. I will cover my "presents" in the litter-box.
8. I will make an effort to keep at least half of the litter IN the litter box.
9. I will not act all friendly to the visiting guest, snuggle up on her chest and then fart in her face when she is already feeling ill from a long plane journey... (Yes, one of ours did this to my mother.)
10. I will not assault Mommy when she is cleaning up one of my accidents.
11. I will not barf a combination of hair ball and kibble on Mommy's head to wake her up on Sunday morning.
12. I will not barf a hairball on Mommy's forehead while she's sleeping.
13. I will not barf in the boxes that are being packed for moving day.
14. I will not choose my humans' bed as the ideal place to have a litter of kittens--especially if they are in it at the time. (We moved her to a box we had prepared).
15. I will not cuddle Mommy's dress shoes and drool in them.
16. I will not drag my butt on the carpet after exiting the litter box.
17. I will not drool in my sleeping human's [ear|mouth]. Yechhhh.
18. I will not drool on my human while she is petting me to show my thankfulness.
19. I will not drool when I purr.
20. I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and barf them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.
21. I will not, even if I don't feel well, commence pooping on Dad, run across to Mom's side when they are sleeping, continue across the bedroom, one way, then the other, go down the stairs, and finish 1 foot away from the litter box. (The *poor* baby had intestinal problems, but washing the sheets, the rug, a cat, and myself at 3:00 a.m. was NOT fun. The husband was self-cleaning.)
22. I will not fart in my human's general direction.
23. I will not fart when my human's friend has me in her lap.
24. I will not go to the linen closet to do my washing up when I come muddy and wet from my outing.
25. I will not groom my private parts while my humans are trying to eat.
26. I will not hack up a *huge* hairball on Mommy's brand-new futon.
27. I will not hack up an even *bigger* hairball into Mommy's first cup of coffee in the morning.
28. I will not hang my aristocratic behind over the edge of the litter box to do my business.
29. I will not help my sister "recycle" her barfed-up food.
30. I will not hump: Mommy's clean laundry; Uncle Peter's pillow; the foot of Grandma's bed; on top of the washing machine; on the arm of the sofa; any damned place in the house that's soft enough. (This is NOT a joke--my sister's cat Pesto, aka Gingy, did EXACTLY this sort of thing for several months before, and even after, being neutered.)
31. I will not hump Dad's arm at 3 a.m. He doesn't find it stimulating. (I think the cat was just ticked about someone new sharing the bed. My husband was not as amused as I was...)
32. I will not hump the other cat. We are both boys and we are neutered. This is not a necessary activity.
33. I will not jump into the litter box while Mom is cleaning it and take a big dump right under her nose.
34. I will not jump to the top of the refrigerator and then projectile vomit all over the kitchen. (My former roommate's cat did this on a regular basis.)
35. I will not knead my human's neck with my claws extended.
36. I will not leave the litter box until I am finished.
37. I will not make puddles in the ashtray.
38. I will not pee in the fireplace ashes in front of Mommy's company.
39. I will not pee in the hole in the carpet where the key to the gas fireplace goes.
40. I will not pee on Daddy's book bag when I want to go outside.
41. I will not pee on Mom's pillow when she is sound asleep on it. Mom doesn't like being awakened in such a manner.
42. I will not pee on the back element of the stove, the one that has the vent into the main oven, rendering all cooking in that kitchen for the next xxxx weeks hideously odiferous!
43. I will not pee on the bed just as Mommy and Daddy are going to lie down, and have Daddy find it after he crawls in and keep my humans up until 12:34 a.m.
44. I will not pee on the bed while the humans are sleeping in it. I *will* stick to the litterbox -- it does not kick me in its sleep!
45. I will not pee on the floor in front of the sink just because Mommy can't turn on the faucet for a drink. Especially not two days in a row.
46. I will not poop in my litter box just after my Mommy is done cleaning it.
47. I will not poop in the washer, especially when it is full of clothes.
48. I will not puke up hairballs the size of a lemon in front of Mommy's blind date. (We were sure he was dying.)
49. I will not relieve myself on my human's bed repeatedly, especially when she is *in* it.
50. I will not shake my head when I have a drop of drool hanging from my mouth.
51. I will not sit on the window sill in full view of passers by and barf up my kitty biscuits.
52. I will not smurgle on Mom's $120 Polartec sweatshirt.
53. I will not sneeze into Mommy's mouth.
54. I will not spray Mommy's brand new $400 bread maker.
55. I will not spray my Daddy's new golf slacks when he's wearing them, even if they do have cherry stripes and only cost 50 cents from a garage sale.
56. I will not spray the computer printers, photocopier, kitchen garbage can, or Christmas presents.
57. I will not spray the kitchen garbage can.
58. I will not take a dump in Mommy's shoes or Auntie Heather's bed, even if I *do* have a touch of diarrhea, as the litter box is no further away than either of these other items. (Cruel, maybe, *but*...)
59. I will not take a large, smelly, offensive poop in the litter box and yowl until someone comes and looks at it. (This is actually true - the more it reeks, the louder he yowls.)
60. I will not throw up on highly absorbing surfaces.
61. I will not try to play the same bedtime games with my sister that the humans play.
62. I will not use Mommy's new leather purse as a litter box.
63. I will not use my litter box in full view of all Mommy's dinner guests *while* they are still eating. (These last 2 happened when I was living in a very tiny apartment, with the litter box in the living room and the kitchen merely an adjacent nook...)
64. I will not use the garage roof as a litter box.
65. I will not wake my Daddy up at 3 a.m. by trying to mate with his knees. I especially will not try to sweet talk his knees during this process. (And he's been neutered for months. Oh well.)
66. I will not wake up Mommy by farting in her face, then try to blame the other cat.
67. I will not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking my butt.
68. I will pee in the litter box, not on the bag with clean litter in it.
69. I will refrain from licking my butt while sitting on anyone's lap.
70. I will stop using the bathmats as a new form of litterbox.
71. I will wait until the last poopie drops before tearing out of the litter box.
72. If I have been outside on the deck nibbling the kitty grass Mama planted for me, I do not need to run back inside to the living room carpet to throw up.
73. If I will not let myself be brushed and my hair gets all matted and I look like a molting buffalo, I will not leave huge, felty hair-things lying around the house when I pull them off by myself. And if I do scratch and nibble myself bald, I will not leap about in panic every time a fly comes to land on my bare, sensitive skin.
74. If Mommy squirts me with a squirt bottle, I will not wait for an opportune moment to squirt Mommy back in my own inimitable style.
75. Mom's comforter is NOT the ideal place to relieve oneself. Multiple times. In one day.
76. Mommy does not need to sniff my butt to identify me. She knows who I am.
77. Mommy's hand is not a litter tray substitute.
78. My mouth will not freeze open in disgust when I sniff something that is not to my pleasing.
79. Noisily chewing my toenails at 3 a.m. and spitting the pieces out on the bed annoys Mommy. I will restrain myself.
80. The box of aquarium supplies in the basement is not a litter box.
81. The new cat is not an enema. I will control myself and not poop on the spot when he comes near me.
82. There are better ways to "punish" the human than whizzing on something.
83. We will not leave our turds in Mom's shoe when she comes to visit.
84. We will not watch Mommy change the litter box and then deliberately go poop in the corner.

d) ---Food/Water---

1. I am not a starving invisible snake. I will not try to flip morsels of food from my humans' plates while making myself as long and flat as possible and hiding behind the salad bowl.
2. Baby Ruths (candy bars) are NOT kitty food, no matter what!
3. Carnivore though I may be, Mommy and Daddy's hands are not food. I will not attempt to draw blood with tooth or claw.
4. Carrot juice is not a feline beverage.
5. Cats do not like beer. Really.
6. Cats should not drink Martinis.
7. Diet Coke is a human beverage.
8. I *can* wait until after 6:00 a.m. to be fed on the weekends.
9. I am fed adequate quantities of nutritious food, so I don't need to steal cucumber parings/potato peelings/squash skins out of the compost bucket.
10. I am not a goat. I will snack on only what is in my food dish and leave the plants, paper, plastic, string, etc, alone.
11. I CAN eat a variety of different kinds of cat food.
12. I CAN eat canned cat food in flavors other than tuna.
13. I can eat tuna that has not been mixed with Miracle Whip -- even if the oil in the Miracle Whip does keep my coat nice and shiny.
14. I cannot hide in the pizza box and devour the pizza; my human will see me. (Our blond kitten tries this EVERY TIME we have pizza; if we close the box she just knocks it on the floor.)
15. I diminish my reputation as a cat when I chew through the brand new cardboard and metal can of pet turtle food and eat all but one piece. Better to hide until the humans are gone than to be seen waddling at a fast pace out of the room.
16. I do not belong on the table or counter. If I do get up on the counter, I will not eat the butter, the garbage bag full of bones, and the rest of my catfood and if I do, I will especially not puke in some hidden place.
17. I do not need to be petted *every* time I eat.
18. I do not need to be spoon fed.
19. I do not need to drag the water dish into the middle of the room to drink.
20. I do not need to kill the kibble by batting it around the kitchen and pouncing on it a few times before eating.
21. I do not need to lick Mama's lipstick off right after she puts it on, nor do I need to eat it straight out of the tube.
22. I do not need to sample the contents of every pot on the stove.
23. I know I will get some human food if I'm patient and not if I try to take it.
24. I will eat bugs to do my part in saving on extermination costs. However, it is not necessary to clean bug parts off my teeth by chewing on Mom's fingers.
25. I will not act like I'm dying of hunger in front of Daddy when I just inhaled the dinner Mommy gave me twenty minutes ago.
26. I will not activate "the paw" when there is food I like within snagging distance. While doing this I will not pretend "the paw" does not belong to me by looking the other way.
27. I will not beg for food until I have eaten what I already have in my dish.
28. I will not beg for the fish food.
29. I will not bring in my friend to share my food. [Seriously -- our cat -- neutered female -- has a friend -- entire Tom -- who she brings in EVERY DAY to share her meals and the other facilities of our house. He is an outdoor cat who would obviously like promotion.]
30. I will not claim the cream cheese and lox bagel on the kitchen table as my own.
31. I will not claw Mommy's legs for five minutes straight after I've finished eating claiming I'm still hungry.
32. I will not climb my human's leg to get tuna fish or pancakes.
33. I will not climb up on the dishrack when it is full of dishes so that I may get on top of the refridgerator in order to knock down the box of Quaker Harvest Crunch so that I may more easily chew a hole in it.
34. I will not devour my human's turkey sandwich in the family room, thereby strewing the rest of the sandwich all over the oriental rug, when she has to leave the room for two minutes to answer the phone. My human will be very upset if she has to make another sandwich AND clean up the old one.
35. I will not dribble/spew/otherwise expectorate canned cat food all over the kitchen while I eat, thus giving Mommy one more giant mess to clean up.
36. I will not drink out of any container in the house that holds liquid, including Mom and Dad's coffee cups, the toilet, the sink, the shower, and dishes under plants, and ignore my lovely dish of fresh cold water.
37. I will not eat all the baby's breath out of Mommy's birthday bouquet.
38. I will not eat fine Swedish tapers like they're candy canes.
39. I will not eat Mummy's make up.
40. I will not eat random things I find on the floor (i.e. carpet lint, plant pieces, dust bunnies) just because they are there.
41. I will not eat styrofoam meat trays and then barf up white bingies.
42. I will not eat the children's (or anyone else's) dinner when they leave the kitchen to go to the bathroom.
43. I will not eat the flavour coating off the dry dog food and then spit the rest back into the dog dish. (I had a cat that did this on a regular basis.)
44. I will not eat the *whole* bag of algae wafers that Mom just bought for her pleco. [Plecostomus, sucker-mouthed catfish, an algae-eater--ed.]
45. I will not eat tinsel from the Christmas tree--it will make my poop come out like beads on a string.
46. I will not get trapped in a glass fronted kitchen cupboard after eating a pound of frozen mince that was thawing for my humans' dinners. I will not then gouge a five inch long channel in my human's arm two days later when he attempts to extract from my bottom the plastic bag that held the frozen mince.
47. I will not gulp down my dinner at lightning speed, and then barf it up under the heater or some other hard to reach place.
48. I will not jump into the refrigerator every time Mommy opens it and crawl to the back of the bottom shelf so she has to pull me out.
49. I will not jump on the table to eat cantaloupe if no one gives me a piece of my own.
50. I will not jump out from around the corner and attack Mommy's leg because she won't feed me again. It is not her fault I scarfed down a whole bowl of food in 10 minutes.
51. I will not knock Mom's Cheerios off of her spoon as she brings it to her mouth. (This only happened once. I think she figured out this is not a good thing to do.)
52. I will not knock my brush off the shelf and eat all the hair out of it, thereby producing the hairballs Mommy was trying to prevent by brushing me in the first place.
53. I will let my brother eat without interfering.
54. I will not lick catnip off the carpet.
55. I will not lick condensation off the windows.
56. I will not lick the (Parmesan) cheese from the grater when the human's back is turned for just a *second*.
57. I will not open the breakfast muffins box and only eat one bite out of each before my humans have a chance at them. Especially if I have already had my breakfast.
58. I will not open the kitchen cabinet door, tear a hole in the cat food bag, and eat when I'm supposed to get neutered in the morning.
59. I will not peel and eat the raw potatoes that are in the basement.
60. I will not play attack Daddy's toes when I want to be fed in the morning.
61. I will not put my paw in Mom's mouth to get food out while she's eating it.
62. I will not pull the salami from the humans' sandwiches.
63. I will not put my paw into the boiling water to snag a cooking shrimp.
64. I will not refuse to eat my food until it has been piled into a pyramid shape.
65. I will not scarf down a new variety of cat food as if it's the greatest thing I've ever tasted, and then refuse to eat it once my human has purchased a month's supply.
66. I will not seek sympathy for my ice cream headache after stealing Mommy's fudge bar.
67. I will not shred the packaging on all prepackaged food so that I can do a taste test.
68. I will not sit in Mommy's/Daddy's lap and try to pull food (especially french fries) from their hands while they are eating. Additionally, when my human puts me on the floor after I have tried this, I will not then hop up onto the back of the sofa and play "Death from Above."
69. I will not sit under the table and beg for scraps while clawing at Grandma Ethel's socks, and then poop on her when I don't get any.
70. I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.
71. I will not slurp the human's iced tea, whether she's looking or not.
72. I will not stampede to the food bowl with the other cat(s), demanding to be fed, when a human walks in its general direction.
73. I will not stand on Mom's arm and make her lower her glass of milk so I can help myself.
74. I will not start annoying the human to feed me until it's "only" 2 hours until suppertime - and when I am fed, I won't ignore it or try to "cover it up".
75. I will not steal a chicken breast off the stove, growl fiercely while Mom chases me around the house, and finally make her pry my jaws open with her fingers to take it away.
76. I will not steal the olives/mushrooms/cheese off the human's pizza. If the human picks them off and gives them to me, however, I will eat them.
77. I will not steal the roast pork out of Mommy's fried rice bowl.
78. I will not stick my paw in Mommy and Daddy's ice cream just because they have not been quick enough to give me my share. I will not fling the ice cream I get on my paws from doing this across the room.
79. I will not stick my tail in the little human's lollipop, popsicle or anything sticky and drag it off in my fur.
80. I will not stretch my body to the limit to attempt to see if there's food on the kitchen counter.
81. I will not tear into the bag of cat food just to see if it the same as what is in my dish.
82. I will not topple the spice rack going for the catnip.
83. I will not try to bat a sandwich or Fudgesicle out of Mommy's hand.
84. I will not try to rip my human's arm off when she uses the last of the tuna to make a sandwich for herself.
85. I will not try to snag the James Coney Island Chili Cheese Dog with Onions my drunken Mommy and her friend are trying to consume.
86. I will not use the ninja kitty paw strike to snag Mommy's dinner entree for myself when she turns her head.
87. I will not wake my human up at 3 a.m. for breakfast.
88. I will not whine (with my mouth full) if I get dry food instead of canned.
89. I will not wrestle Mommy to the floor for chocolate.
90. I will remember that the food at the bottom of the dish tastes the same as the food at the top.
91. I will remember to chew large crickets when I eat them so they don't screech in pain when I poop one out whole.
92. I will resist the impulse to get too close to the stove when Mommy is cooking, so I don't burn my dainty nose or singe my beautiful fur.
93. I will stop trying to do everything in my power to break into the cupboard under the kitchen sink to get at the grease the humans store there before throwing it out. (There are 2 elastics around the knobs, so we regularly hear bang-bang as the little monster tries to open a door and has it slam shut.)
94. I will try to remember I am a carnivore instead of liking potatoes, tomatoes, peas, corn, carrots, lettuce (green or red leaf ONLY), and cucumbers.
95. I will wait for Mommy to finish eating her Cheerios in the morning before I commence drinking all the milk out of the cereal bowl.
96. I won't jump into the middle of a platter of HOT fettucini, and then go ballistic when Mom and Dad hold me under the faucet to clean me off. (It was a real mess. And, of course, it was the cat who hates baths with a passion).
97. If any food is left out on the counter I will not eat every last morsel of it.
98. If I am caught devouring toilet paper (my favourite snack) I will not tear out of the bathroom with the paper stuck to me which both leaves a mess and makes it easy for Mommy to find where I am hiding.
99. If I beg for food, I will eat it.
100. If I don't eat all the kibbles at once, I won't barf later.
101. If I eat an entire jar of salsa, intestinal problems *will* result. (A friend's kitten did this once, and the litter box reeked even worse than usual. Fortunately she got over it in a few days.)
102. If I must have one of the freshly-baked cookies cooling on the table, I will eat only one entire cookie, and not bite a piece out of each one.
103. Licking or batting the empty food dish around will not make food appear.
104. Licking the sofa does not provide me with nourishment.
105. Macaroni and cheese and chocolate cake are both *people* food.
106. Melons are not kitty popsicles.
107. Mommy and Daddy will not forget to feed me if I don't start howling for food two hours beforehand.
108. Mommy can cook bacon *without* my help.
109. Mummy's earlobes are not treats.
110. Mummy's students' papers are not prey. (Silly students... they want to know why they get teethmarks back with their comments...)
111. One kitty kibble is the same as another. I really don't need to have back the one I knocked under the fridge.
112. Other cats' food belongs to *other* cats.
113. Our food obsession will NOT lead us into the following series of crimes: a) forcing the human to install child-proof locks on the cupboard doors to keep us away from the catfood cannister; b) reaching through the 1 1/2 inch gap and raiding the catfood cannister anyway; c) spreading 40 black garbage bags over the entire apartment after she moves the cat food out of reach; d) raiding the cannister holding the rat's food which the human didn't think she had to hide; e) and we must accept her amusement when the next item we manage to drag out and chew on is a bunch of dried jalapenos... (That week was a battle of wits, which I'm embarrassed to admit I only just *barely* won)
114. Strawberries, canteloupe, tomatoes, and peanut buttered toast are not cat foods. (Squeaky, my 15-pound Maine Coon, will literally push my hands out of the way in an effort to get at these foods, should I attempt to get them out of the fridge and on to the counter!)
115. Szechuan beef tastes nasty.
116. The Thanksgiving turkey, the baloney, and other deli meats belong to the humans.
117. The canned cat food is already dead. I don't need to kill it by swatting bits of it all over the floor.
118. The dog food belongs to the dogs.
119. The human's food is not meant to be shared with me.
120. The other cat's food is not automatically preferable to my own.
121. Waffle syrup is no fun when it has dried in my fur.
122. We do not kill our prey in the house.
123. We do not leave bits and pieces of our prey on stoves, beds or kitchen counters.
124. We will not be the parties responsible for the tomato with tooth marks in it lying on the bedroom floor.
125. We will not fight over the catnip.
126. We will not form the Starving Kitty Chorus a full hour before feeding time.
127. We will not give our humans dirty looks and expect them to stop what they're doing to fill our food dish if there are only a few pieces missing.
128. We will not steal canteloupe seeds out of the garbage can, then vomit them up several hours later.
129. When I "ask" for one more tidbit of your garlic chicken, I will try to keep my tail out of your food.
130. When I finish my supper, I will not stand on the human's chest and belch in his/her face.
131. When Mommy is sharing her dinner with me, I will remember that she does not like my paws in her food.
132. When my Mommy feeds my kitty treats in the morning I will not hit her hand so more comes out than what I'm supposed to get (he does this to me every morning and he also hits my hand when I put his water down so it spills and then he mews at me when he gets wet).
133. When one of my humans opens a can of tuna or chicken and puts three little piles on a plate (one for each cat), I will not gobble all three piles and hiss at the other two cats if they approach.

e) ---Games/Playing---

1. Curtains are not for climbing. If I forget, I must be careful not to snag my collar on a hook and almost hang myself.
2. Demolition Derby is NOT a cat-oriented pastime.
3. I do not need to climb into EVERY box in the household.
4. I will not climb the wallpaper in my human's new house.
5. I will not drag Mom's knitting around the house, unravelling it in the process.
6. I will not hide in the kitchen drawers and jump out at Mommy.
7. I will not jump onto the [aaa] to knock over the [bbb] or I will be [ccc] (if they can ever catch me, that is). aaa - fireplace mantel, counter top, window box, entertainment center bbb - wedding album, vases, dishes, house plant, curios ccc - scolded, locked in the basement, (shot, punted, terrorized)* *(These are jokes! I only THINK of doing these things. God, how I think of these!
8. I will not leave the plastic rings from milk carton jugs in Mom and Dad's bed, then insist that they play fetch with them in the middle of the night.
9. I will not lurk under the bed and pounce on the unsuspecting human's feet when s/he is getting in or out of bed.
10. I will not play "Charge of the Light Brigade" with the other cat in the hallway at 3 a.m.
11. I will not play "find the mouse" on the bed at midnight.
12. I will not play the game "tiger attack" when Mommy is weeding the garden.
13. I will not play Tarzan of the Drapes.
14. I will not play trapeze artist on the curtain rods.
15. I will not sit on top of the kitchen cabinets playing 'vulture'.
16. I will not turn on the toy train at 5:00 a.m. and watch it like some car race with my visiting kitty friends as it derails, flashes it's headlight, and makes choo-choo noises.
17. I will not use my female human's chest as a springboard.
18. Mommy does not like it when I grab her ankles and sink my teeth in as she walks past. (When I turn out the lights at night to go to bed, Siesta runs up behind me, grabs me around the ankle with both front paws, hangs on, and sinks her teeth in. She does this *every* night.)
19. The bed is not a WWF wrestling ring.
20. The doorjambs are not made for climbing.
21. The living room is not a jungle gym with walls and curtains to be climbed.
22. The outer windowsills, on floors 3 and above, are not good playing grounds. (Ours fell down 4 floors, limped a couple of days afterwards).
23. The piano is for humans to play.
24. The roof is not a racetrack for cats (or crows).
25. When humans play ball games in the garden, I will not attack and move the balls.
26. When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.
27. When Mom has friends over, I will not sneak up behind them on the back of the couch and jump at their heads.

f) ---Hampering---

1. Even if I *can* read the newspaper through my butt, Mommy isn't going to ask me for a summary and would rather read it herself.
2. I do not need to "help" by dragging my face across my human's hands when she is trying to paint her fingernails.
3. I do not need to finish the note to the human's teacher so that it reads: Dear Mrs. Smith, I would like to thank fgke fgbyhgiq hefeugfwfgfla
4. I do not need to help my human type.
5. I do not need to jump into the kitchen sink every single time my Mommy turns on the faucet.
6. I do not need to race across the kitchen floor and stick my head into the refrigerator every time my Mommy opens the door. I also don't need to try to climb inside because I like all the interesting smells and want to investigate.
7. I do not need to supervise the human when s/he is working at the kitchen counter.
8. I do not need to supervise the painting of the guest room while perching on the newly-painted windowsill. (Both our cats did this and were subsequently dunked to clean them off!)
9. I *will* allow Mommy to have more than one quarter of the bed, even if she doesn't deserve it.
10. I will cease my obsession with the box Mom and Dad keep their condoms in. This box is not for me. I will not knock it on the ground, I will not sit on it, I will not try to scratch it open. Especially when Mom and Dad are using the condoms.
11. I will never again roll down the driveway in front of Mom to show off to show off my gymnastic ability while she is carrying the groceries.
12. I will not act as if I'm being tortured when being flea-powdered. It is not painful.
13. I will not ask for the door to be opened when my human is making an international telephone call.
14. I will not attack my human's shoelaces when she is tying them.
15. I will not attempt to "help" Mommy while she's trying to cut out a new dress by lying down in the middle of the fabric on the table, and then trying to rip Mommy's arm off when she has to move me in order to avoid slicing off my beautiful tail.
16. I will not try to bite Mom's pen when she is writing and reaches the end of a line or when it comes within biting range.
17. I will not chase the humans while they are carrying a full laundry basket up the dark spiral staircase.
18. I will not climb into the ceiling when one of the tiles is removed, crawl around until I get to the storage room, climb out and yowl because I'm stuck while my human goes crazy looking for me.
19. I will not crawl into open suitcase to help Mommy pack.
20. I will not fall asleep on Mummy's back or chest, then refuse to move when she has to get up.
21. I will not help Mommy with the jigsaw puzzles. She does not need me to warm the boxes, lie on the puzzle, or carry pieces off in my fur.
22. I will not hide Grandma's $35 prescription eyedrops or Grandpa's most expensive blood-pressure pills so well they haven't turned up almost *four* years later.
23. I will not hold the pen in my mouth while my human is trying to write.
24. I will not insist on taking a long, leisurely drink from the tap every morning when Mommy runs the water to wash up and brush her teeth. It makes her late for work.
25. I will not jump into Mommy's lap while she is breast-feeding the small human.
26. I will not jump up on the stove and knock the battery-powered clock into the pot of boiling macaroni.
27. I will not jump on Mommy's lap immediately prior to the commercial breaks.
28. I will not jump onto the table where my human is doing her jigsaw and slide to the other edge, sending all the pieces flying in a million directions, and most of them into the heating duct.
29. I will not keep Mommy from making bead necklaces, no matter how enticing they are to drag away and kill, because I will get my paw poked by the beading needle.
30. I will not knock the brush Mommy uses on me into the garbage can just because I don't like it.
31. I will not lie directly behind my human when she is putting on her makeup in the morning. If I forget, I will not rip her ankle/leg to shreds when she backs up and steps on my tail.
32. I will not play with the ribbons when Mom is wrapping (Christmas) gifts. And I will not try to kill the curlicues of ribbon on the finished packages.
33. I will not pounce on the sheets and crawl under them when Mommy is trying to make the bed.
34. I will not put my head in my human's mouth while he is trying to eat.
35. I will not ride on the string mop while Mom is cleaning the floor and then grab her ankles and hold on when she tries to remove me from the mop.
36. I will not run directly under foot when my human is trying to groggily make her way to the bathroom in the morning.
37. I will not sit on Mom's hand and purr while she is using the computer and then hiss at her when she tries to use the mouse. She is allowed to move her hand out from underneath my hot fat body.
38. I will not sit on my human's lap, refusing to get up, until she can no longer feel her lower limbs.
39. I will not sit on the key marked "Del".
40. I will not show my sympathy when Mommy is having an asthma attack by sticking my furry little body in her face. All this does is make Mommy kick me off her lap.
41. I will not slam-dunk my tail into Mommy's first and *only* cup of coffee in the morning, as Mommy's coffee maker only brews 1 cup at a time.
42. I will not sneak up behind Mom when she is concentrating on work and yowl as loudly as possible to get her attention.
43. I will not sprawl on the papers my human is trying to mark.
44. I will not stand on my hind legs and bat at the TV screen when figure-skating is on. Mommy wants to see Todd and Michelle, not me.
45. I will not swat Mommy's head repeatedly when she's on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.
46. I will not stand in front of Daddy's face when he is trying to retrieve one of my paper wads from beneath the refrigerator.
47. I will not suck on the afghan/sweater Mommy is trying to make.
48. I will not trip Mommy or Daddy on the way to the kitchen, even if they are walking too slow.
49. I will not try to nibble the comb/brush when my Mommy grooms me.
50. I will not turn into a octopus with suction paws when my human tries to put me into a cat carrier.
51. I will not wait until Mommy gets in her car, then jump on top of the open garage door and howl like mad when it starts to close. I will not act like Mommy was trying to commit a violent act against me for days afterward. I will especially not do this on a weekly basis.
52. I will refrain from knocking Mommy's wallet off the kitchen table and hiding it under one of the chairs or table. (My cat did this to me one morning. I ended up tearing around the house looking for the wallet when I happened to see it under one of the chairs.)
53. I will remember not to rub against Mommy's hand when she is trying to put in her contact lens. She will pet me when she is finished. She does not appreciate cat hair in her eyes or having her contact lens knocked to the floor where she will spend a good 15 minutes searching for it on hands and knees.
54. I will remember that in order for the human to get the food into my bowl, she needs her coffee. I will learn to be patient and not try to trip her as she pours water into the pot. This only gets us both hurt and does not get me fed any faster.
55. If I continue to get into, under, over, in front of, and behind EVERYTHING, one of these days I'm going to get stuck and Mommy is going to laugh.
56. If I have just run across my human's face, ripping open her bottom lip with my razor sharp claws, I will not then attempt to trip her up as she stumbles to the bathroom with blood pouring down her chin.
57. If Mommy has a pan full of hot grease in her hands and is juggling six raw eggs at the same time, I will not climb her leg.
58. It is not necessary to burrow into the laundry basket and then play Tiger Attack when Daddy decides to fold up the laundry.
59. It is not necessary to lick off Mommy's deodorant or perfume by scaling her leg.
60. It will not assist my human's golf game in the least if he has to learn to putt around me. I can let the ball pass without knocking it off line.
61. Leaping into the box and chasing my tail does NOT help my human pack.
62. Mom hasn't hacked off a limb with the nail clippers yet, so I don't have to yowl like I'm being disemboweled when she trims my claws. (Note: be careful when trimming claws not to cut the very sensitive quick! --HR)
63. My Mommy does not need my help when mounting and framing photographs for an art exhibition, and trying to get in the way will only result in my risking being spray-mounted and matted myself.
64. Sitting on the piano bench when my human plays is permissible. Sitting in the piano itself is not. (Note: Mavis hasn't done this since I played a two-arm power chord while she was in there ... )
65. When Mommy bends over, I will not leap onto her back, refuse to move, then lie down as if I'm going to go to sleep!
66. When Mommy is busy at the computer and not paying enough attention to me, I will lounge on the desk, curl up in her lap and wash, sleep, or settle for only one hand petting me, instead of pestering her every five minutes to play with me.

g) ---High-tech---

1. Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
2. I am a cat and cats aren't meant to send faxes. (Our cat stands on the fax and sends cover pages to anyone who happens to be in our preprogrammed list.)
3. I am a walking static generator. Mom doesn't need my help installing a new board in her computer.
4. I am not transparent: I shouldn't sit in front of the TV screen.
5. I do not need to attack incoming faxes and chew them so that the humans can't read them.
6. I will not (hang up the phone | press the buttons) when the human is on the phone.
7. I will not attack the answering machine and purr all over it when Dad calls home to leave a message for Mom.
8. I will not barf up hairballs on my Mommy's computer keyboard anymore.
9. I will not bat ewirvmdsjut0958 at the keys of Mom's computer, and expect treats to come out of the back (why else would Mom spend hours sitting at the stupid thing?).
10. I will not bring the city police to the front door by stepping on the speaker phone button and then the automatic 911 dial button.
11. I will not call Mom's mother-in-law long distance at 2 a.m.
12. I will not call someone on the phone. (Yes, this happened. 1) Step on the speaker button 2) Step on speed dial button.)
13. I will not chew on the antennae of the cordless phone when Mommy's trying to talk.
14. I will not demonstrate my intelligence by playing with the alarm clock and a) turning on the alarm in the middle of the night, b) turning off the alarm so my human doesn't wake up, c) changing the time. If I do this, my human will be angry, not impressed.
15. I will not faithfully chase the cursor around the screen.
16. I will not get caught watching Oprah when Mommy comes home. (Seriously, I came home to find a 6 month old kitten loafing on the back of the couch watching Oprah--she had to turn on the TV AND change the channel to get there.)
17. I will not head butt the control pad/joystick when the human is 10 seconds away from completing a game after 2 hours work, when on his last man.
18. I will not jump on the answering machine at 3 a.m. causing the messages to play and make Mommy think someone has broken into the apartment.
19. I will not jump on the break key when my human is on the modem.
20. I will not jump up on the microwave and push the phone off with my paw.
21. I will not knock a speaker onto the fax phone, breaking both, if I feel I am being ignored.
22. I will not knock over the stacks of CDs.
23. I will not knock the phone off the hook just to hear the neat BEEP-BEEP-BEEP noise it makes when left that way for a few minutes.
24. I will not pee down the back of the television, causing its innards to short out, melt, and spew cat-pee-scented smoke throughout the house.
25. I will not press the reset button on the computer.
26. I will not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.
27. I will not push the VCR off the top of the TV.
28. I will not reset my human's alarm clock by walking on it.
29. I will not send secret kitty code messages into cyberspace while Mommy is trying to answer her e-mail.
30. I will not sit on the answering machine while Mummy is gone, causing all of the messages to play and be lost forever.
31. I will not sit on the keyboard when Mom is trying to load new software. The computer and Mom both make funny noises when this happens. (It took me three tries to get my net software loaded.)
32. I will not step on the 'alt', 'cntl', and 'delete' keys simultaneously.
33. I will not step on the (volume control | channel changer | power button) on the (stereo | VCR | TV) remote. (I make sure they point away from the item in question to avoid this after the stereo started getting really loud seemingly on its own one morning.)
34. I will not stomp on the stereo remote and increase the sound level to 120 decibels when Mom is playing Nine Inch Nails, and then attack the speaker.
35. I will not toggle Mommy's word processor from insert to overtype mode.
36. I will not trample my paws on Daddy's keyboard when he is e-mailing in a vain attempt to send mail to all my little kitty pen pals around the world.
37. I will not try to climb on the human's lap when he/she is using the laptop computer.
38. I will not try to grab the arrow on the computer monitor every time Mommy uses her mouse.
39. I will not try to sprawl across the computer keyboard, even though I like the sound the keys make and the way they feel under me, causing Mommy to drop it on the floor while trying to take it away.
40. I will not turn off the answering machine when I play, which greatly upsets my human and destroys her already impaired social life.
41. I will not use the keyboard as a springboard trying to catch the pretty flashing cursor.
42. I will not walk/sleep on the cable box in the master bedroom and invoke Parental Control on the Playboy Channel.
43. I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing important emio gnaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35 a.
44. If either or both of us yanks the modem cable out of the back of the computer when Mom has spent FIFTEEN MINUTES dialing up and getting a modem that WORKS on the other end, we *will* get screamed at and kicked out of the bedroom.
45. Incoming faxes are for the humans. They are not attacking me, even though the paper hits me in the tusch when I am napping.
46. Mommy does not need my help when she is printing a document. Sticking my paw in the printer *will* hurt. Tearing the paper as it comes out of the printer only makes Mommy mad.
47. Mouse cables and phone cords are not prey. (Dee has nailed one mouse and 5 phone cords...that I know of.)
48. The computer speakers are *not* dangerous, no matter what weird sounds come from them. They do *not* need to be killed.
49. The phone is not eating my human's ear. I don't have to scale his leg to save him.
50. The sound of the electric can opener does NOT necessarily mean it's feeding time.
51. The vacuum cleaner is my *friend*.
52. There is no need to turn on the TV and stare at the fuzzy-white screen. (Cerridwen's addition - "Mummmy always says somthing about a upholstergeist".)
53. When Mommy and I are visiting at Grandma's house, I will not wait in ambush for someone to open the screen door and then dash out, especially at night. Mommy and Grandma know that I'm not sure which house is mine so they will have to chase me in their pajamas and stocking feet, and this is then I usually get a spank.
54. When the answering machine is on and a human is talking, I will not walk on the machine causing it to stop recording and to cut off the caller.

h) ---Human-Related---

1. Considering the fact that I am 20 lbs of pure muscle (ok, maybe a *little* flab) I acknowledge that Daddy's "family jewels" are *not* the ideal launching pad to reach the open bedroom window. Especially, 3 o'clock in the morning.
2. Dad's mother is allergic to us. We will therefore not insist on her attention *only* when she visits.
3. Daddy's eyelids are not toys to kill when they move -- like when he is waking up.
4. Daddy's privates and my springy cat toy are not interchangeable.
5. Daddy did not want to have me neutered, and I will not take it out on him by trying to neuter him back.
6. For some reason, even though I think it's fun, biting Mommy on the back of the knee is not an effective way to get her to play with me.
7. Kneading my human's back is good. Kneading my human's privates is not.
8. I am not an alarm clock and am not obligated to wake the humans.
9. I do not need to climb Mount [insert human's name here].
10. I do not need to jump on the little human's back while she watches a horror movie.
11. I do not need to take the dirty diaper to the diaper pail. The human is quite able to do that himself.
12. I don't need to check Daddy's aim in the bathroom.
13. I must not jump on my human sibling's head or push toys down on her from the bed head. By making her jump I am not saving her life.
14. I must not stalk my human sibling as she lies in her bed just because she has turned out the light and stopped moving. She is not dead, just trying to sleep.
15. I must remember that Mommy does not appreciate having to explain the small hickies that I leave on her neck to Daddy.
16. I shall not adopt two families or else one of them will spend three days believing me drowned during a hurricane when the other family has shut me up for my own safety.
17. I shall not arrange for my identical twin to die on the front lawn, causing heart attacks when Mom walks in for her tea.
18. I will allow the human to get back to sleep after he goes to the bathroom.
19. I will not alter my local gravity so that my normal 10 pounds increases to *40* when I walk on the sleeping humans.
20. I will not ask to be (fed|petted|let out) when the humans are making whoopee.
21. I will not attack Mommy's ear just because she put me on a diet.
22. I will not attack Mommy and Daddy's feet while they're making whoopee.
23. I will not balance my 25 pound body on my human's full bladder.
24. I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on the nose at 2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is forgiven and can now pet me. (My male cat has pulled this on me on several occasions.)
25. I will not bite my human's feet when she is using the computer.
26. I will not bite my Mommy's foot through the duvet.
27. I will not bother Mommy when she's practicing her suture patterns.
28. I will not climb Mom's legs when my brother is getting a ride on her shoulders. Nobody wins and I have to go to my room.
29. I will not follow Mommy into the closet in the morning. She can dress herself.
30. I will not go lick, lick, lick, *chomp* on the human's chin, especially when he is trying to sleep.
31. I will not groom the back of Mommy's neck.
32. I will not hiss at my granddad when he is nice enough to clean my litter box and feed me while my human is away.
33. I will not hurl myself from the window sill onto my Mommmy's tummy when she's trying to sleep, especially when she's just had an emergency appendectomy.
34. I will not jump from the dresser onto Mom's pregnant belly to get to the dish of ice cream that Dad is eating, even though her belly is the highest spot on the bed. I will also not show my face in the same room for the next hour until she is over her distress.
35. I will not jump into the human's lap, and then see how far I can get the tip of my tail up his nose.
36. I will not jump into the neighbors' open window when they are not home and then stare blankly at Mommy as she screams at me to come out.
37. I will not jump onto Dad's stomach when he is taking a nap and spit a foam ball in his face to encourage him to play fetch with me.
38. I will not kick my Mama in the face, pull her hair, or bite her toes at 5 a.m. on Saturday morning. Nor will I do this to her new boyfriend the first night he stays with us.
39. I will not leap from great heights on to my seated human's genital region.
40. I will not leap onto visiting grandmother's shoulders by catapulting myself from the back of a chair after getting a running start from across the room. (Yes, my cat actually performed this circus stunt, almost sending my grandmother into coronary care)
41. I will not lick or nibble Mom's cheek when I want to be fed in the morning.
42. I will not lie directly on Mommy's bladder to wake her up at 3:30 a.m. on a Saturday.
43. I will not lie next to my human's ear and purr as loudly as I can to show my devotion.
44. I will not make my feet smaller, so that they gore the human when I'm standing on his chest/belly.
45. I will not meow at the nice delivery people to open the door for me. While they are nice people and will do as I wish, they have no idea that I am an indoor cat.
46. I will not nip or swat the neighbors' little rugrats when they play nicely with me, even when they start to bore me. This embarrasses Mommy, especially when the brats' parents are present.
47. I will not open the window coverings and cause the unclothed human to flash his/her neighbors. (The little scamp likes to play on the window sill with the vertical blinds and has done this to me.)
48. I will not pee on Mama's boyfriend's wallet when they have an argument. Especially if they have already made up.
49. I will not pretend I can't hear my Mommy calling me when she can see me from where she is standing, especially when it is pouring rain and she is getting drenched on my account.
50. I will not run along in front of Mommy and then come to a dead STOP in front of her, making her nearly trip and squish me flat, *especially* after I've awakened her at some ungodly hour demanding to be fed.
51. I will not show affection by attacking Mommy so viciously it would seem I consider her prey; it scares her half to death.
52. I will not sink my new, sharp teeth into my Mommy's flesh as a sign of affection; the scabs don't match her new bikini.
53. I will not sit inches away from Mommy's face and stare at her so that she will scream when she opens her eyes.
54. I will not sleep on grandpa's chest and then sneeze in his face to wake him up. (My Birman with allergies did this to my father.)
55. I will not snap the underwear of my human when he is getting dressed and is not paying attention to me.
56. I will not sneak out of the house and make my human go outdoors in her nightgown during Hurricane Hugo to look for me.
57. I will not sneak outside when I *know* I'm an inside cat, causing Mummy to chase me and fall into the pool when she's only dressed in a nightgown.
58. I will not sneak up behind my human so that when he turns around he either trips or twists his ankle when trying to avoid stepping on me.
59. I will not sniff my Mommy or Daddy's underwear and make a goofy disgusted face.
60. I will not stare at the humans while they are making whoopee.
61. I will not stick my head into Mommy's mouth to see where all the noise is coming from.
62. I will not stick my paw into Mommy's mouth while she's sleeping.
63. I will not try to play with Mommy when she is scolding me.
64. I will not use my human to hide behind in hide and seek.
65. I will not use my human's chest as a launch pad to the top of the couch, or when I spring up from her lap because something frightens me. (I had 8 gouges from toenails in my cleavage when Raven did a "turn & burn" on my chest when a car backfired outside and scared the hell out of him.)
66. I will not wage full scale war on my human's head at 3 a.m. (or 4 a.m. or 5 a.m...), when she is obviously asleep.
67. I will not zip out the front door when the delivery man comes and the house guest answers the door, and then is forced to run all over the neighborhood chasing the 'cat on the run' in her house coat.
68. I will play with the humans when they want, not when I want.
69. If guests arrive for Christmas it is not essential to disappear for the next week.
70. If I'm going to knead my paws (not claws!) on Mommy, the least I can do is knead on her shoulders so I'll double as a masseuse.
71. If I must give a present to Mommy and Daddy's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.
72. If Mommy has company, I will not jump on the dining room table and stick my face in the food immediately after using the litter pan/licking my rear. This behavior does not help convince squeamish humans that cats are clean animals.
73. It is impolite to move in with Mummy's ex-boyfriend.
74. Just because my human bends over does not mean he wants me to jump on his back.
75. Just because my human is lying on top of her boyfriend on the sofa, it doesn't mean I can lie on top of her at the same time.
76. Just because someone wants to stroke me does not mean they are axe-murdering, sheep-stealing cannibals.
77. "Mummy's boyfriend" is not synonymous with "mortal enemy".
78. Mommy and Daddy making whoopee is *not* an invitation for me to jump onto Daddy's back for an exhilarating round of "Kitty Cat Rodeo".
79. Mommy's breasts are not pillows that need fluffing.
80. Mommy's stomach is neither a launch pad nor a landing strip.
81. Mummy's hair is not dental floss.
82. Mummy and Daddy's cocktail parties are not enhanced by my hiding behind table legs and attacking guests' ankles.
83. My Mommy's finger is not a teething ring.
84. My human is capable of grooming himself. There is no need for me to, especially when he is trying to sleep.
85. My human is permitted to move his feet under the blanket without my pouncing on them.
86. Next time the human's mother visits from England, I will not crawl into her bed, just as she's falling asleep, and bite her butt.
87. Sniffing Dad's privates while he and Mommy are making whoopee is dangerous.
88. The doctor on a house call does not need assistance. His bag is not the perfect hiding place.
89. The human doesn't bite my whiskers, so I won't bite his beard.
90. The top of the refrigerator does not exist so that I may get on my Dad's shoulders more easily.
91. The pillow on the bed belongs to Mommy. I am not supposed to cuddle around Mommy's head and slowly push her head off the pillow while she is sleeping.
92. We will not hiss at or run away from our human sister when she comes home from college for a weekend or a holiday.
93. When Dad's girlfriend is reaching for him under the covers, I will not pounce on the area she is reaching for from the top of the dresser.
94. When Mama has a full mug of hot (coffee/tea/herbal tea) in her hand, that is not a good time to head-butt her hand in an effort to be petted.
95. When Mama has guests over, I do not need to make a beeline for the only guest who is allergic to cats, jump in his lap, turn around, and wave my dander-laden tail under his nose.
96. When Mommy and Daddy are trying to do the 'wild thing' I will not curl myself around Mommy's head and refuse to budge no matter how frantic the activities may get!
97. When Mommy and Daddy's 2-year-old grandnephew comes to visit, I do not need to run away from him. After all, he's not that much bigger than I am. However, it is wise to run away from the 3-year-old next door who pulls my tail.

While licking the human's lips *will* wake her up effectively, it will *not* induce her to feed me.



Use the following index to explore our cat's world...

Click here for the disturbing truth!





Feel free to drop us a note! Last Updated on May 18, 1997 by Adam S. Ward.

Jump back to Home